About Me

I'm Phil! American living in Japan. Teacher. Ex-independent professional wrestler. Student of Japanese. Traveler. Article writer for Mythic Scribes. Also written four manga, novels, and various short stories and poems. For my fantasy-related blog, check out http://www.philipoverbyfantasy.blogspot.jp/.


Drill Bits: random thoughts, bloggy stuff
Japan Hammer: topics about Japan
Story Time: stories I felt like posting

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Story Time: Necro-N-Hancer

This is for terribleminds.com challenge, "Death is on the Table."

John Vackner here, to deliver an exciting new product from Xanprixal Industries.

What if I told you your death could be like one big, endless wave of euphoria? What if I told you that you'd beg to die instead of living another second on this pain-filled Earth? Friends, I offer you the Necro-N-Hancer, a revolutionary machine that you can literally plug into your preferred orifice or self-made entry hole, to make your once uncertain descent into oblivion now a tapestry of your life's most wonderful memories, thoughts, and images.

Necro-N-Hancer (NNH) is patented by the US Department of Technology, and is endorsed by the Inventors of America, the Sisterhood of American Witches, the Canadian League of Horse Surgeons, and the Necromancer's Association of Central America.

This is not, I repeat, not, a machine that makes you a ghost. Ghosts are not real! Necro-N-Hancer is real!

Is your back hurting from an old spring mattress? NNH makes your big sleep on a mattress made of Pegasus feathers.

Girlfriend/wife/animal familiar driving you bat-shit crazy? NNH turns them into skeletal minions in lingerie who do your bidding within a spiraling abyss of never-ending massages of the scalp and neck!

Tax time got you down? NNH eats taxes! Like a crazed space-faring beast hungry for bloody numbers!

So why deal with this stupid, unpredictable world of misery? NNH guarantees your every fantasy in death will come true!

Explosions! Laser spears! Star-collisions! Parades! Horse tranquilizers! Dragons! Sexy cat women from some Asian country! Fortresses made of candy and devil hair! Eclixian trans-dimensional mantis demons! Brownies!

Don't let the NNH escape your grasp! Get one today!

For only five easy payments of 999,999,999,999,999 you too can own the NNH!

Listen to what Death himself, that's right, Death himself says about this wonderful product!

"It's pretty fucking nice."

Live death in style! Get the Necro-N-Hancer today!

I'm John Vackner and I too endorse this product!

John Vackner is celebrity and is not affiliated with any of the above agencies in any way.

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